The Practical Joker
OH what a fund of joy jocund lies hid in harmless hoaxes!What keen enjoyment springsFrom cheap and simple things!What deep delight from sources trite inventive humour coaxes,That pain and trouble brewFor every one but you!Gunpowder placed inside its waist improves a mild Havanah,Its unexpected flashBurns eyebrows and moustache;When people dine no kind of wine beats ipecacuanha,But common sense suggestsYou keep it for your guests—Then naught annoys the organ boys like throwing red-hot coppers,And much amusement bidesIn common butter-slides.And stringy snares across the stairs cause unexpected croppers.Coal scuttles, recollect,Produce the same effect.A man possessedOf common senseNeed not investAt great expense—It does not callFor pocket deep,These jokes are allExtremely cheap.If you commence with eighteenpence (it’s all you’ll have to pay),You may command a pleasant and a most instructive day.
A good spring gun breeds endless fun, and makes men jump like rockets,And turnip-heads on postsMake very decent ghosts:Then hornets sting like anything, when placed in waist-coat pockets—Burnt cork and walnut juiceAre not without their use.No fun compares with easy chairs whose seats are stuffed with needles—Live shrimps their patience taxWhen put down people’s backs—Surprising, too, what one can do with fifty fat black beedles—And treacle on a chairWill make a Quaker swear!Then sharp tin tacksAnd pocket squirts—And cobblers’ waxFor ladies’ skirts—And slimy slugsOn bedroom floors—And water jugsOn open doors—Prepared with these cheap properties, amusing tricks to play,Upon a friend a man may spend a most delightful day!