The Duke and the Duchess
THE DUKE.
Small titles and ordersFor Mayors and RecordersI get—and they’re highly delighted.M.P.s baronetted,Sham Colonels gazetted,And second-rate Aldermen knighted.Foundation-stone layingI find very paying,It adds a large sum to my makings.At charity dinnersThe best of speech-spinners,I get ten per cent on the takings!
THE DUCHESS.
I present any ladyWhose conduct is shadyOr smacking of doubtful propriety;When Virtue would quash herI take and whitewash herAnd launch her in first-rate society.I recommend acresOf clumsy dressmakers—Their fit and their finishing touches;A sum in additionThey pay for permissionTo say that they make for the Duchess!
THE DUKE.
Those pressing prevailers,The ready-made tailors,Quote me as their great double-barrel;I allow them to do so,Though ROBINSON CRUSOEWould jib at their wearing apparel!I sit, by selection,Upon the directionOf several Companies bubble;As soon as they’re floatedI’m freely bank-noted—I’m pretty well paid for my trouble!
THE DUCHESS.
At middle-class partyI play at écarté—And I’m by no means a beginner;To one of my stationThe remuneration—Five guineas a night and my dinner.I write letters blatantOn medicines patent—And use any other you mustn’t;And vow my complexionDerives its perfectionFrom somebody’s soap—which it doesn’t.
THE DUKE.
We’re ready as witnessTo any one’s fitnessTo fill any place or preferment;We’re often in waitingAt junket fêting,And sometimes attend an interment.In short, if you’d kindleThe spark of a swindle,Lure simpletons into your clutches,Or hoodwink a debtor,You cannot do betterThan trot out a Duke or a Duchess!