The Disagreeable Man
IF you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am:I’m a genuine philanthropist—all other kinds are sham.Each little fault of temper and each social defectIn my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct.To all their little weaknesses I open people’s eyes,And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise;I love my fellow-creatures—I do all the good I can—Yet everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man!And I can’t think why!
To compliments inflated I’ve a withering reply,And vanity I always do my best to mortify;A charitable action I can skilfully dissect;And interested motives I’m delighted to detect.I know everybody’s income and what everybody earns,And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns;But to benefit humanity, however much I plan,Yet everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man!And I can’t think why!
I’m sure I’m no ascetic; I’m as pleasant as can be;You’ll always find me ready with a crushing repartee;I’ve an irritating chuckle, I’ve a celebrated sneer,I’ve an entertaining snigger, I’ve a fascinating leer;To everybody’s prejudice I know a thing or two;I can tell a woman’s age in half a minute—and I do—But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,Yet everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man!And I can’t think why!