The Baffled Grumbler
WHENE’ER I pokeSarcastic jokeReplete with malice spiteful,The people vilePolitely smileAnd vote me quite delightful!Now, when a wightSits up all nightIll-natured jokes devising,And all his wilesAre met with smiles,It’s hard, there’s no disguising!Oh, don’t the days seem lank and longWhen all goes right and nothing goes wrong,And isn’t your life extremely flatWith nothing whatever to grumble at!
When German bands,From music standsPlay Wagner imperfectly—I bid them go—They don’t say no,But off they trot directly!The organ boysThey stop their noiseWith readiness surprising,And grinning herdsOf hurdy-gurdsRetire apologising!Oh, don’t the days seem lank and longWhen all goes right and nothing goes wrong,And isn’t your life extremely flatWith nothing whatever to grumble at!
I’ve offered gold,In sums untold,To all who’d contradict me—I’ve said I’d payA pound a dayTo any one who kicked me—I’ve bribed with toysGreat vulgar boysTo utter something spiteful,But, bless you, no!They will be soConfoundedly politeful!In short, these aggravating lads,They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads,They give me this and they give me that,And I’ve nothing whatever to grumble at!