The Captain and the Mermaids
I SING a legend of the sea,So hard-a-port upon your lee!A ship on starboard tack!She’s bound upon a private cruise—(This is the kind of spice I useTo give a salt-sea smack).
Behold, on every afternoon(Save in a gale or strong Monsoon)Great CAPTAIN CAPEL CLEGGS(Great morally, though rather short)Sat at an open weather-portAnd aired his shapely legs.
And Mermaids hung around in flocks,On cable chains and distant rocks,To gaze upon those limbs;For legs like those, of flesh and bone,Are things “not generally known”To any Merman TIMBS.
But Mermen didn’t seem to careMuch time (as far as I’m aware)With CLEGGS’S legs to spend;Though Mermaids swam around all dayAnd gazed, exclaiming, “That’s the wayA gentleman should end!
“A pair of legs with well-cut knees,And calves and ankles such as theseWhich we in rapture hail,Are far more eloquent, it’s clear(When clothed in silk and kerseymere),Than any nasty tail.”
And CLEGGS—a worthy kind old boy—Rejoiced to add to others’ joy,And, when the day was dry,Because it pleased the lookers-on,He sat from morn till night—though con-Stitutionally shy.
At first the Mermen laughed, “Pooh! pooh!”But finally they jealous grew,And sounded loud recalls;But vainly. So these fishy malesDeclared they too would clothe their tailsIn silken hose and smalls.
They set to work, these water-men,And made their nether robes—but whenThey drew with dainty touchThe kerseymere upon their tails,They found it scraped against their scales,And hurt them very much.
The silk, besides, with which they choseTo deck their tails by way of hose(They never thought of shoon),For such a use was much too thin,—It tore against the caudal fin,And “went in ladders” soon.
So they designed another plan:They sent their most seductive manThis note to him to show—“Our Monarch sends to CAPTAIN CLEGGSHis humble compliments, and begsHe’ll join him down below;
“We’ve pleasant homes below the sea—Besides, if CAPTAIN CLEGGS should be(As our advices say)A judge of Mermaids, he will findOur lady-fish of every kindInspection will repay.”
Good CAPEL sent a kind reply,For CAPEL thought he could descryAn admirable planTo study all their ways and laws—(But not their lady-fish, becauseHe was a married man).
The Merman sank—the Captain tooJumped overboard, and dropped from viewLike stone from catapult;And when he reached the Merman’s lair,He certainly was welcomed there,But, ah! with what result?
They didn’t let him learn their law,Or make a note of what he saw,Or interesting mem.:The lady-fish he couldn’t find,But that, of course, he didn’t mind—He didn’t come for them.
For though, when CAPTAIN CAPEL sank,The Mermen drawn in double rankGave him a hearty hail,Yet when secure of CAPTAIN CLEGGS,They cut off both his lovely legs,And gave him such a tail!
When CAPTAIN CLEGGS returned aboard,His blithesome crew convulsive roar’d,To see him altered so.The Admiralty did insistThat he upon the Half-pay ListImmediately should go.
In vain declared the poor old salt,“It’s my misfortune—not my fault,”With tear and trembling lip—In vain poor CAPEL begged and begged.“A man must be completely leggedWho rules a British ship.”
So spake the stern First Lord aloud—He was a wag, though very proud,And much rejoiced to say,“You’re only half a captain now—And so, my worthy friend, I vowYou’ll only get half-pay!”